End of the Tour

people i love and also a bunch of weirdoes

It occurred to me today, as I was out on my deck, trying to avoid zika and taking a break from the soul sucking, mind numbing, exhaustive work of job hunting, that I never returned to my blog to write my tour wrap-up post. It also occurred to me that the heavyness I've felt of late was likely, in some part, due to missing the busyness of tour. Life was easier when I could distract myself with literal mountains to climb.  

It is July 13.  I have been home for 11 days.  The transition back to life and reality was fraught by an emergency surgery (not mine), a new car purchase as our car was totaled while I was away and the immediate, imminent need to find gainful employment. Not to mention the absolute horrors of the real world. Life doesn't mess around.  It laughed in the face of my hope that I'd have a nice long week to process, told me to put on my big girl britches and toughen up. I had no choice but to comply.

But it doesn't mean I forget and move on so easily. I returned to the office on Monday, a quick hug and chat with Rachel then I was off and digging through my bag - starting the process of making order out of chaos. I smiled at receipts for the "giggle juice" I drank with Tracey and Taylor in Denver and the 2 for $20 blanket and neck pillow Evelyn and I strategically purchased in the Salt Lake airport, all the while dusting off sand still remaining from the Friday afternoon Joshua, Gisela and me downed a bottle of Sonoma chardonnay and fell into the Pacific Ocean.  We made a family, like you do, and I miss them all so much. We are, all of us, really, really weird in wonderfully unique and endearing ways. The further we got from home and the closer we became, the more we felt the freedom to let our weirdo flags fly. That bound us together on this crazy journey.  

a pile of nostalgia

It's not lost on me that this was likely a once in a lifetime experience.  Transformative and life-affirming have been the words most often acquired when I'm asked how the tour went. Now taking those transformative and life-affirming properties and channeling them into whatever comes next is the challenge at hand.  Because my landing wasn't exactly smooth, I've struggled with feeling each mistake or misstep, no matter how small, is a personal failure. My depressive brain wants to tell me that my successes on the road are undermined by my failures in real life, but in week two I'm getting better at silencing that voice. 

RR and I have taken to walking through our neighborhood every morning, enjoying the sounds of our local aviary and giggling at the bunnies (so many bunnies!) that seem to inhabit every other yard.  It's a good start to the day and has helped as we become reacquainted not just with each other but with our ways and means of living together. I know that I introduce an element of chaos into his quiet home life, my footprint can be large, and I was cognizant of this even before leaving.  For his part, he has been incredibly helpful and supportive in my quest for work - keeping my anxiety at bay with near daily encouragement.  I know he believes in me. That is priceless medicine as unemployment creeps near.

So, so long for now my new, darling friends.  Adios America.  It was nice really getting to know you.  I feel wiser and much more confident for the experience.  And forever grateful to my cherished friend Marie for being the spark that started it all.  Thank you Marie.  Thank you Advocates.  Thank you cast and crew.  Thank you Atlanta, Miami, Austin, Denver, L.A., Oakland, Chicago and Cleveland.  May we all see each other, in some new, different yet wonderful iteration, in the not so distant future. 

AMERICA F'YEAH!!!